"Myspace is the Detroit of the Internet" - Jennifer Carter
After a discussion about facebook and myspace and the last 10 years of social networking, Myspace is best described as above. I lost my breath laughing at this one... Thanks Jen
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
My Demotivational - Office Crabs
What I can do with paintbrush and a bunch of sites that are blocked.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Office Morale
Anyone who currently works in an office setting or has previously worked in one, can appreciate the days where you come into work, do your job, and leave… We all know there’s no such thing. You come into post it notes left on your monitor, and wonder why didn’t they just call and leave a voicemail? Why not send an email? What kind of office caveman are you, that you leave a note? I’m sure the paper industry loves you. This is not what slowly kills office workers on a daily basis. You walk in that door 5 minutes before/after 9 depending on whether it’s Monday or Friday, you wonder if you should update your resume so you can leave and go to another office where you can get paid more to deal with even more office nonsense.
Your resume probably has some kind of objective at the top that you don’t even remember writing because it’s from your sophomore year of college or perhaps it’s what your advisor told you to write because it’s generic enough to fit any job posting. Then you’ve got your education there which is usually just your college degree in Big Bold letters to let the employer know that you fit their minimum requirements for their job position that you could’ve performed without going to any institute of higher learning. Don’t forget to follow it up with the minor that you studied and the offices that you held in your residence hall.
After that you post all of you previous jobs within 5 years, or just any job of relevance. This part is key because this is where you show the art that you’ve actually learned in college. How to fudge the details to make you seem so important at every job you’ve ever had. Turning stainless steel to platinum, a pebble into a boulder, or a grain of sand into a beach; it’s a gift, and to some an acquired skill. Don’t forget to follow it up with some of the skills you have such as, your word processing speed and all the systems you know and love using on a daily basis (Facebook doesn’t count).
You do all of this only to get hired at a place full of people who are nothing like you, pretend to have something in common, and then listen to them talk about you behind your back about how they can do your job better than you can. Then you get to turn around and ask the 30+ year old smart mouth co-workers, “Really? Where’s the Start Button then???” This is my definition of office morale.
You’ve been through many social settings where you’ve had to maybe stomach someones mere existence for perhaps a couple of hours and then you get to leave and never see them again, unless they are stalking you and all of your upcoming plans, “HEY, Didn’t know you’d be here? So did you ever get to see The Hangover?” NO, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! These people should have a resume to tell employers how much of a crab they are. OFFICE CRABS ARE AN EPIDEMIC. They are the reason for the “recession”. They make the qualified and skilled working individuals, want to leave and go somewhere else that they for some reason think there aren’t any office crabs.
I don’t get paid enough to deal with this guy!
That’s what you feel. It’s not your job function or your workload. It’s those other 200+ people who complain its too cold or hot in the office, tell you who’s pregnant and by who and how ugly the kids are going to look, and what guy or girl they regret hooking up with in the office. HEY THANKS for the info, now if you wouldn’t mind leaving my 5x5 space and letting me breathe, I’d appreciate it. Please feel free to not procreate on God’s glorious green earth, you suck the life from everything on it you Leech. These crabs keep you down.
Here’s my solution to office crabs. They make these Level 1-5 offenders in your neighborhood come and knock on your door and confess to you what they’ve done wrong and that you shouldn’t let your kids come over for ice pops and Looney Toons. They should do the same for office crabs, “Hi, I’m an office crab, I’m here to make you feel uncomfortable and like you can’t do your own job. Better yet, I’m here to let you know that I turned down your job, for my job, because I wanted to do more work and get paid less. I’ve been doing what I do for years longer than you’ve been out of school and I enjoy making your experience here an undeniably annoying experience daily. I don’t take days off, but I brag about how many I have built up. I won’t give you a day off. I will only go on vacation when you’re feeling so bad, that I can skip a day. But I can assure you it will never be a Monday. Here’s my resume.
Pagurus Samuelis
1234 Cubicle Corner Cell: (647)372-2531 [Miserable1]
Murky River, NY 10010 E-Mail: OfficeMoraleRIP@gmail.com
Professional Skills
Word Processing Speed 10WPM (I have claws), Windows 3.0 (It’s the only system I know and I refuse to upgrade because my AOL disc won’t work on a new computer), Chat Room Spam (a/s/l?), Photoshop (myself into your vacation pictures)
Education
Boston Crab University Boston, MA
B.S. Crabology – May 1979
Mavis Beacon Typing Champion 1978
Most crabs kept inside bucket 1977
Experience
Every Office in every metropolitan area across the United States
Remedial and repetitious work
January1963 – Present
Track progress of office relationships
Leave inappropriate voicemails
Comment on all office co-workers
Inappropriate desktop backgrounds
Conspiracy theorist
Subject Matter Expert for All Office nonsense
Office parking violator
Chain Smoker
Please be sure to post this resume in the cubicle of your office crabs. I’m going to start bringing a Joe’s Crab Shack bib to work with a giant sign that says “Office crabs are inedible”
Your resume probably has some kind of objective at the top that you don’t even remember writing because it’s from your sophomore year of college or perhaps it’s what your advisor told you to write because it’s generic enough to fit any job posting. Then you’ve got your education there which is usually just your college degree in Big Bold letters to let the employer know that you fit their minimum requirements for their job position that you could’ve performed without going to any institute of higher learning. Don’t forget to follow it up with the minor that you studied and the offices that you held in your residence hall.
After that you post all of you previous jobs within 5 years, or just any job of relevance. This part is key because this is where you show the art that you’ve actually learned in college. How to fudge the details to make you seem so important at every job you’ve ever had. Turning stainless steel to platinum, a pebble into a boulder, or a grain of sand into a beach; it’s a gift, and to some an acquired skill. Don’t forget to follow it up with some of the skills you have such as, your word processing speed and all the systems you know and love using on a daily basis (Facebook doesn’t count).
You do all of this only to get hired at a place full of people who are nothing like you, pretend to have something in common, and then listen to them talk about you behind your back about how they can do your job better than you can. Then you get to turn around and ask the 30+ year old smart mouth co-workers, “Really? Where’s the Start Button then???” This is my definition of office morale.
You’ve been through many social settings where you’ve had to maybe stomach someones mere existence for perhaps a couple of hours and then you get to leave and never see them again, unless they are stalking you and all of your upcoming plans, “HEY, Didn’t know you’d be here? So did you ever get to see The Hangover?” NO, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! These people should have a resume to tell employers how much of a crab they are. OFFICE CRABS ARE AN EPIDEMIC. They are the reason for the “recession”. They make the qualified and skilled working individuals, want to leave and go somewhere else that they for some reason think there aren’t any office crabs.
I don’t get paid enough to deal with this guy!
That’s what you feel. It’s not your job function or your workload. It’s those other 200+ people who complain its too cold or hot in the office, tell you who’s pregnant and by who and how ugly the kids are going to look, and what guy or girl they regret hooking up with in the office. HEY THANKS for the info, now if you wouldn’t mind leaving my 5x5 space and letting me breathe, I’d appreciate it. Please feel free to not procreate on God’s glorious green earth, you suck the life from everything on it you Leech. These crabs keep you down.
Here’s my solution to office crabs. They make these Level 1-5 offenders in your neighborhood come and knock on your door and confess to you what they’ve done wrong and that you shouldn’t let your kids come over for ice pops and Looney Toons. They should do the same for office crabs, “Hi, I’m an office crab, I’m here to make you feel uncomfortable and like you can’t do your own job. Better yet, I’m here to let you know that I turned down your job, for my job, because I wanted to do more work and get paid less. I’ve been doing what I do for years longer than you’ve been out of school and I enjoy making your experience here an undeniably annoying experience daily. I don’t take days off, but I brag about how many I have built up. I won’t give you a day off. I will only go on vacation when you’re feeling so bad, that I can skip a day. But I can assure you it will never be a Monday. Here’s my resume.
Pagurus Samuelis
1234 Cubicle Corner Cell: (647)372-2531 [Miserable1]
Murky River, NY 10010 E-Mail: OfficeMoraleRIP@gmail.com
Professional Skills
Word Processing Speed 10WPM (I have claws), Windows 3.0 (It’s the only system I know and I refuse to upgrade because my AOL disc won’t work on a new computer), Chat Room Spam (a/s/l?), Photoshop (myself into your vacation pictures)
Education
Boston Crab University Boston, MA
B.S. Crabology – May 1979
Mavis Beacon Typing Champion 1978
Most crabs kept inside bucket 1977
Experience
Every Office in every metropolitan area across the United States
Remedial and repetitious work
January1963 – Present
Track progress of office relationships
Leave inappropriate voicemails
Comment on all office co-workers
Inappropriate desktop backgrounds
Conspiracy theorist
Subject Matter Expert for All Office nonsense
Office parking violator
Chain Smoker
Please be sure to post this resume in the cubicle of your office crabs. I’m going to start bringing a Joe’s Crab Shack bib to work with a giant sign that says “Office crabs are inedible”
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